I told the story of our journey to Nugget for a couple reasons. One, I needed to. Whenever things are hard, I have always processed my emotions best through my writing. It is a release for me as well as an eye opener a lot of the time of what I'm feeling, why and what I need to do.
Two, infertility is not an easy subject to discuss. It's complicated and messy and loaded with emotion and vulnerability. If our story could help at least one person, I felt a responsibility to share it.
Every day I am so incredibly grateful to have Nugget growing in my belly. I can't even begin to tell you how grateful.
Yet, part of me feels just a little guilty when I think of the women (and their husbands) I know who struggle with infertility. Who have struggled for years - much, much longer than we did - through multiple IVF procedures without their miracles. I think of them and wonder what makes me think our story is worth telling. We only struggled for a year. And for part of that year it wasn't really a struggle because we had only just started trying.
I can't even begin to imagine the heartache and longing that they feel after years of trying. I think of how stories like ours - couples who get pregnant on their own just before starting fertility treatments - must hurt them to their cores and make them wonder why it couldn't be them because I wonder why us.
So I have to remind myself that everyone has their own story. Everyone has their own pain. And one person's story doesn't take anything away from another's. What we went through was real. What I felt mentally and emotionally was real. It is as much a part of me as any of my other life experiences. I will carry that scar for the rest of my life. Yes it is not as big as I once feared it would be nor will I feel it as acutely as I did not that long ago, but I couldn't get rid of it if I tried. Nor would I want to.
We'll never know why us. But those hard months reinforced a lesson for me on the importance of faith. And if nothing else, it has made me really appreciate our growing miracle.