Monday, November 12, 2012

Eleven

We're having a baby! Our journey to get pregnant was not always an easy one. I wrote along the way. This post is from month eleven. Catch up with One Through Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine and Ten.  

I am acutely aware of every pregnant woman I see. I can't stop myself from staring at their bellies wondering what it's like. Wishing with all that I am that I was complaining of swollen ankles, constant peeing, and the heat commiserating with them on being pregnant during a Texas summer. 

The end of this month found us sitting in the urologist's office listening to his analysis of our situation. It wasn't good. Neither was it entirely bleak.

But at this moment in time, all I can think of is what we've lost, and I break. I find myself desperately needing to get my emotions out the best way I know how: through my writing. But I can't bring myself to publish what's going on just yet. So I wrote this.

Our chances of conceiving a baby on our own are at best 20%. Couples without infertility issues have an 85% chance.

And in the month leading up to that morning in the urologist's office, I have come to accept that we are in that 10-15% of couples who struggle with infertility.

It doesn't matter that our infertility is male factor. It is our infertility. One we must face together.

The urologist gave us a lot of information and the names of two reproductive endocrinologists (REs). We may try IUI aka artificial insemination. Or as it's more colloquially known, turkey baster. But we may not with the morphology, or shape of the sperm, being abnormally low.

Our best chance, according to the urologist, at getting pregnant is IVF/ICSI given our male factor. ICSI is when they inject the eggs with sperm rather than relying on the sperm to fertilize the eggs on their own. With our male factor infertility, ICSI is what we will need to do to ensure that we have embryos to transfer.

Even with IVF/ICSI, our chances of pregnancy are only 60-65%. It's a lot better than 25% on our own, but there's still a significant chance that we may never get pregnant.

And that's what I'm struggling with right now. Accepting that chance that I may never feel my baby grow inside of me. That chance that my stomach may never stretch tight, my boobs may never swell with milk. That chance that I may never feel my baby kick and move within my womb.

My heart breaks at these thoughts. Yet I must think them. For if we move forward through the IUI process and maybe eventually IVF, I need to be positive and focused on what I must do to give us the best chance at pregnancy. And for me to be positive, I can't be constantly worried that it might not work.

So I'm trying. I'm trying to accept that chance that it might not work so I can let it go. Acknowledge its possibility rather than ignore the elephant. Because when I do, I will be able to hope again.

And I desperately need to hope again.

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