Thursday, August 11, 2011

Worry Wart

I have a bad habit of worrying about something before I really need to.

For instance, I have a distinct memory of being a wee little Mochaface and worrying about being in college and not having shampoo. See I didn't know that the grocery store sold shampoo and other such stuff to keep up your personal hygiene routine. What? I said I was little.

John is always telling me to stop worrying about a) things I can't control and b) things that aren't current problems. It's like he doesn't know me. Or is trying to make me feel better. One of those.

Most of the time it's not a big deal. Because it's just me in my head. But occasionally someone else will ask a harmless question or tease me on the exact subject I'm currently obsessing over and it takes every ounce of will power I have to bite my tongue and not blow up. Instead when that person is gone, I'll fall back to old habits and start shoving food in my mouth hole. Usually I'll eventually take a step back, force myself to take a deep breath and remind myself to live in today.

John and I are planning on having kids someday. With babies popping out all around me, I think it's completely natural to be thinking about it.

You're not getting any younger. Tick tock tick tock.

(Can we all just agree not to say shit like this to each other?)

I have an irrational fear that I'll have trouble getting pregnant when we do decide to start expanding our little family. I don't have any reason to believe that it will be a legitimate problem for us. That's why it's called an irrational fear. But I worry about it anyway.

I worry about being in my 30s when having babies. I worry about balancing work and kids. I worry about teaching my kids the values and beliefs that we were raised on. I worry about being a good mother.

GAH. See what I mean? So this is me breathing deeply and living in today.

It's going to be a hot one. Again.

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