Thursday, September 3, 2009

That was Then

About a month ago, I wandered back into our library and discovered an old journal. I sat on the floor to read it and soon the tears were emerging from my eyes so quickly I couldn’t wipe them off fast enough.

And that’s how DF found me. Sitting on the floor crying over journal entries eight, nine years old that were full of feelings I forgot I had. I mean I know I had them. I just forgot how intensely I felt them.

Naturally, he was curious as to why I was crying over an 18/19/20-year-old girl’s thoughts. How do you explain the pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, the anxiety of growing up?

The sporadic entries were, to be honest, a little whiny and self-centered. But it’s a journal. It’s meant to be whiny and self-centered.

Writing has always helped me to work through my emotions. They bubble up in me until I can no longer contain them within myself, and they spill out in written form. Whether through a pen into a journal, or through a keyboard onto a monitor - which is sometimes a good decision and sometimes a bad.

So what did I write about at age 18/19/20? Looking past the problems of that age (roommates, boyfriends – or lack thereof, etc), what lay at the root of all the entries was loneliness, insecurity, a lack of confidence, anxiety at my future beyond college.

It’s nothing more or less than what anyone else went, or is going through. Maybe it took me a little longer than some, and a little sooner than others, to figure out who I am and how I want to bring meaning to my life.

But without those emotions, and experiences of working through them, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Wouldn’t be where I am today. A somewhat pulled-together (though there are times that I am not so pulled together), professional adult who may at times still be afraid or insecure but is ready to take on (most) of her challenges.

Take away all the bullshit expected from an 18/19/20 year old and her collegiate problems, and what’s left is raw emotion. And that cuts to the core of me no matter how old I am or how long it’s been since I felt those particular emotions.

So the crying is not surprising. And it didn’t help that I read it during the week I got my period. I tend to be a little over-emotional at that time of the month. DF can confirm that.

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