Friday, October 3, 2008

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Life is incredibly different when you're unemployed. Your daily schedule changes dramatically. Hell, even your daily uniform is not the same.

I sleep in a little bit, but not too late so I don't waste the morning away.
I check my email and then go workout, so I don't let this difficult situation affect what I worked so hard to achieve last year, a healthy weight.
When I get back, I check my email and then check several web sites for any relevant job postings. If I see something I like, I apply.
Then it's breakfast and a shower followed by checking my email and distracting myself with the Internet.
By then it's usually lunch which I follow up with a little Wii time (DBF left his over here and it's been a great source of entertainment and distraction during all this "off" time.)
Afterwards it's an afternoon of checking my email and the Internet to see if anything new has been posted since the last time. Sometimes I also try to email people I know and search for other ways I can be making a connection somewhere.
By early evening I give up on the Internet and distract myself with TV. I read a little and then head to bed, later than before but not by much.

Not only is this time an endless parade of emotion, perspective changes too. You question every purchase and buy the cheapest things possible, and only those that are really needed. Every time you get in your car you think about the shortest route you can drive to use as little gas as possible. You eat the same thing every day because you can't afford variety. You forget what you look like with your hair fixed and make up on. Every time the phone rings, your hope rises just a little bit only to be dashed when it's just a telemarketer.

But it's the despair pushing its weight down on me that is the hardest. It comes expected at times, like when I lie in bed staring at my ceiling fan. Or, as I watch the light chase the shadows as a car drives by. But it also comes unexpectedly. And it is at these times that the breathe gets knocked out of me and I have no choice but to fall to my knees with no other way for the emotion to be released but out my eyes.

It is at these times that it doesn't matter that I'm not the first to be in this situation. Or that I won't be the last. It doesn't matter that I know I'm not alone. That I have a large army of soldiers waiting and willing to help me stand. To walk. To maybe even fly again. It is the sheer uncertainty. The unknown. The fact that I can't see even the slightest of what the future holds for me that consumes me. It is at these times that I can no longer repress the emotion under my determination and confidence and it comes spilling out of me.

I recover quickly once this leakage has stopped. I wipe off my face and blow my nose. Then with my head held high, I continue down a path on which I can't see past a few days, solid in my faith that I will find a job again. Someday.

2 comments:

lynne said...

Hang in there. You'll get through this.

Michele said...

Stay strong and trust that the right opportunity will come at the right time.