Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hump Day Humor: Resume Blunders

People make mistakes. That's a fact. But when it comes to resumes, proofreading is essential. Found a web site that lists 150 funny resume mistakes, bloopers and blunders. Here are some of my favorites with my commentary in italics:
  1. “Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail” Apparently not enough attention to detail.
  2. Other Interests: “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”. And why would anyone admit that to a potential employer?
  3. Why Interested in Position: “to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail” Well at least s/he is honest.
  4. “I am great with the pubic.” Only applicable if s/he was applying for a job in the porn industry.
  5. Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.” Because the size of the pig is what matters.
  6. “Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.” And s/he is proud of this? What a stellar candidate. I cannot imagine why s/he is looking for a new job.
  7. “Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.” This had to have been a frat boy fresh out of college for which he had no part in paying.
  8. “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.” This person would be worth hiring only for the entertainment value her/his bad syntax would provide.
  9. “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.” It's best for this person to not work with me too.
  10. “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.” Let's not and say we did.
  11. “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.” Was this Sarah Jessica Parker? Because I'm glad she cleared up the confusion.
  12. “Marital status: often. Children: various.” This has to be from a man.
  13. “I am loyal to my employer at all costs..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.” Feel free to respond to my trash can.
  14. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.” As long as he was instrumental.
  15. Objective: “I want to play a major part in watching a company advance.” Another recent college graduate.
  16. Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.” And how did you escape the cult again?
  17. Qualifications: “Twin sister has accounting degree.” And my grandfather ran his own company.
  18. References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.” Do they know you?
  19. Experience: “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.” Hi Captain Obvious.
  20. Hobbies: “Mushroom hunting.” Those pesky mushrooms are such a nuisance to society!
  21. “I am a ‘neat nut’ with a reputation for being hardnosed. I have no patience for sloppywork, carelessmistakes and theft of companytime.” The quotations around neat nut actually apply in this case.
  22. Educational background: “Highschool was a incredible experience.” And sadly it was probably the best time of this person's life.
  23. Objective: “I am anxious to use my exiting skills.” You can use your skills to exit my desk and go to my trash can.
  24. Resume: “I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise (I wasn’t born - my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.” Apple fan boy
  25. Experience: “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.” I do not get the logic s/he is using here.
  26. Background: “28 dog years of experience in sales (four human).” Such creativity. Too bad it probably didn't work.
  27. In the section that read “Emergency Contact Number” she wrote “911.” I hope someone helped this poor woman.
  28. “Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations.” Another application for the porn industry.
  29. Application: “On the line that asked what “sex” he was, he wrote “occassionally”.” Dumb and a bad speller.
And finally the best one ever...
Experience: “Have not yet been abducted by aliens.” Key word = YET. Why don't you stand out in the desert while you wait for the job offer and hope you get a call before you get abducted.
There are many more if you want to read them all.

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